WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
