dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
