I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
