At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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