honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
