You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
