...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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