why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
