I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
