You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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