He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize