you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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