Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
