I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
