At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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