I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
