I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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