i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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