I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize