I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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