he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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