if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
