Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
