all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
