i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
