would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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