Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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