I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
