Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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