Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
