I swear god or herbie drove my car home
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
