yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
