And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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