I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
