Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
