Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
