She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
