when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
