This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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