Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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