You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
