I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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