Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
