hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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