Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
