Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
