K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
