Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
two words...techno handjob
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
