I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
