The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
