I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize