you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Semen is not good for contacts.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
