i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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