she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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