so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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