HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
