Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
