final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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