i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
