My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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